I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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