So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
