somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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