Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
