Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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