He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
