ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
