just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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