y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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