I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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