I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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