Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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