Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
