I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
