why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
