also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
