What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
