fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
