I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
