my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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