there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
