apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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