There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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