Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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