piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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