OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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