I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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