WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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