Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
