Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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