i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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