Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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