Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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