Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
