I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
