I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
