i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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