I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
