dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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