I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
