Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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