And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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