McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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