you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
