I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
A bitchslap is in order.
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