I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize