True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize