Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
