so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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