barbara walters just said penis...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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