The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
