Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize