My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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