Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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