you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
