So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
