I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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