Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
