Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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