Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
