And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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