We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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