I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
