omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
