The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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