My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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