I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
and she was petting her beer can
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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